Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
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When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
gm
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
they really do be looking like this
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.