My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
You Might Also Like
Me: Man, I鈥檓 tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here鈥檚 nothing but Taylor Swift.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
If this virus gets any more toxic I鈥檒l probably end up dating it.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Pilot: we鈥檙e gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 馃槀馃槱馃敟
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE鈥橲 A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn鈥檛 a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I haven鈥檛 broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I鈥檝e had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly 陆 a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3陆 kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.