ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
You Might Also Like
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.