Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.