Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic