To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
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Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Autocorrect completely socks
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]