do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Choose your fighter
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”