Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
You Might Also Like
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me