Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
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I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
At least try to make it slightly believable
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.