me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Happy Febuary everyone!