Twitter remains undefeated
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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory