No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.