Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
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I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Brands during Pride
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress