[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
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Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
As the Lord intended
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.