My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
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Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
constantly working on myself.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?