Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I have never related to anyone more.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
“A little help here, Danny?”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?