Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
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*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.