Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
*pronounces patio like ratio
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
accurate
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.