Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
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so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
*brings nachos to your exorcism*