my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
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I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
when you don’t want to be too vague
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I’m aging like a fine banana
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
What about a To-Don’t List?
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business