Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
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And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Breaking news:
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it