“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
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You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.