It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Basically.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.