Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m not wrong
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Straight people are cancelled
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Sending in my taxes
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.