It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
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Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF