Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
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I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”