SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
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Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Autocarrot sucks!
A friend helps you before you need it
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.