I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
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If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.