Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
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Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.