Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
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Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Watermelon Boss!
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.