Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
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I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
This one’s “Alex”.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯