[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
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Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment