Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
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If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
🤣🤣🤣
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood