My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
You Might Also Like
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.