[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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Venn
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
The news
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops