Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.