At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Can’t. Being lazy.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”