Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Said the murderer.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Jurassic park gets weird
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”