According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
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I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.