Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
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Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
That’s incredible! 👌
The first matador
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”