Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?