me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
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The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Simple enough.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!