Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
my professor scared me for a second
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Perfection.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?