It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
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It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
put ‘er there pardner!
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”