Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
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i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.