“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
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My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.