[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
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My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!