HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already