HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
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I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
our love story in four pictures
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car