Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
You Might Also Like
when you don’t want to be too vague
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?